Fool's Paradise
by Katseester
Summary: They are all just pawns in the bigger picture of war. Kira fights, Athrun looks on, and they both wish for peace in this war-torn world. They both know they would be fools to think their lives were anywhere near perfect. But who said they were?


Alright! So after buying the second half of Gundam Seed and re-watching it after about three years, it made me feel all nostalgic and warm and fuzzy.

So then this came into formulation in my brain and turned out much longer than I thought it would. Seriously. I was expecting it to be at least half this size. But then I kept adding in extra little things that probably don't have any importance. Ah well.

Note that I changed the dialogue. Partly because I wanted to, and mostly because I can't remember what they actually said, and I'm a lazy bastard.

I should also mention that there _are_ spoilers for the plot of Gundam Seed, so if you haven't seen the whole thing (in which case SHAME ON YOU), you have been warned.

---

We're facing each other in a flurry of swirling cherry blossoms, and I'm smiling, and he's smiling. But there's something about his smile that's not quite solid.

I hold out my hands, and he mirrors me, questioning, until the small green bird hops to the middle of his palms.

His smile falters.

"Don't worry," I say, still smiling, "there won't be a war between ZAFT and Earth. So it won't be necessary to evacuate."

"Oh..." His eyes are on the mechanical bird still perched in his hands, and he's trembling so slightly that I almost miss it. Almost.

I take a step forward and put a hand on his shoulder. He looks back up to me, and his eyes are shining, and his mouth is open just slightly. I know he's about to cry.

"It won't take too long for you to get to the PLANTs, right?" I ask softly.

He closes his eyes and shakes his head, a tear finally slipping down his cheek. When he looks back up at me, though, he's smiling again. It's small, it's wobbly, and it's in danger of slipping off, so I wipe the stray tear away and chuckle.

"We'll see each other soon."

---

I stare at him through the slats in the fence, at a total loss for words. He looks about as comprehensible as I feel. I take small comfort in that.

"I..." my throat muscles have seized up, and it's a struggle to make a sound. "I believe this is yours."

"I...yes. It is. Thank you." He seems to be struggling as much as I am to speak, but I can see that he's also holding something back. Something he wants to say, something he finds important.

I hold out my hands and he mirrors me. A sense of deja vu engulfs me, but only for a moment.

The small mechanical bird I had made for him hops through the fence and lands on his palms, then turns to face me. It cocks its head in inquiry.

I turn to leave.

"A friend..." his voice stops me. "A very valuable friend made this for me," he says, and when I turn around his face is streaked with tears.

"He...seems like a good friend," I say, resisting the urge to look at his face, his shining eyes, and the desperate plea behind them. _Please, Athrun...please._

"He is," Kira says, smiling through his tears. "He's the best friend in the world."

His words shock me, so I nod and quickly turn away again. I can't help but feel ashamed.

---

I'm standing alone in the changing room aboard the ZAFT airship, and all I feel is burning hatred towards the one boy I had thought impossible.

Questions run through my head at lightening speed, barely giving me time to think--

_"Why would he do that--why couldn't I stop him--why Nicol, why him--why, why, why--?"_

Papers flutter to the floor, dozens of sheets filled with music, intricate notes, small jots written in Nicol's neat handwriting.

I stare at the sheets for the barest of moments, eyes wide, as the cruel reality sinks its teeth further into me.

That's when I lose it.

The hatred I feel burning through my veins gives way to insurmountable sadness as I grab blindly for Nicol's uniform, tearing it off the hook.

Sinking to the floor, I hug it close to myself, gripping the fabric so hard that it wrinkles against the starched stiffness.

"Nicol..." my voice is shaking, the room around me blurs.

My tears aren't quiet and wistful like Kira's are. They're loud, desperate, and rack my body with convulsions.

And at this moment I feel that I truly do hate Kira, because Nicol was young--_fifteen, dammit!_--Nicol was compassionate, and Nicol only joined the war because he felt it his duty, and _God_, why did it have to end like this?

---

I finally defeat the Strike, I finally avenge Nicol, and I finally feel like I'm going insane.

What kind of person kills his friend, his _best friend_? What kind of person takes _joy_ in the act of killing his best friend? What kind of person am I, that I don't see the the consequences of it until it's far too late?

And while my team congratulates me, while everyone around me hails me as a hero, I have to resist the urge to tell them to shut up, please, just _shut the hell up!_

Because I've done something that I can't reverse, no matter how much I wish I could.

And although I've avenged Nicol, I feel worse than before.

---

When Lacus tells me that Kira survived the explosion I almost laugh, and I think to myself, how far Lacus Clyne has sunk, to tell such a hurtful lie.

---

When I see Kira descending to the ground opposite me, however, I feel an odd palpitation in my chest.

When we walk towards each other, I have to restrain myself from running.

And when we're finally face to face, it comes as no great surprise to me that Kira is crying.

---

"I just wish it would end already."

He's crying. I'm not surprised. Tears run in streaks over his cheekbones, progress slowly down his face, drip off his chin, stain the blue fabric of his tunic.

"We all do," I reply.

He's crying. He's crying, he's desperate, and he's anguished.

And there's nothing I can do. Nothing at all I can do to help him with his pain, his internal suffering.

He looks at me then, really looks at me, and his eyes hold the grief and knowledge of a man more than twice his age.

"What can I do, Athrun?" He asks me. "What the hell can I do to stop it?"

"I don't know," I answer, feeling at a loss. What kind of person am I? What kind of person hasn't the slightest clue on how to comfort someone, their _best friend_, of all people? After everything we've been through, all the things we've done, I don't know how to help him, and it makes me feel sick.

"I'm...I'm sorry, I'm so sorry..."

He's not talking to me.

He's regressed into himself, hugging his arms, leaning against the wall, head upturned as if in prayer to the Heavens above us, and he's still crying.

He's crying because he's sixteen. He's crying because he has just killed so many faceless people, and he's _sixteen_, and _Goddamn_ if he's just trying to protect the ones he loves, trying to bring an end to this war, an end to all this meaningless suffering, an end to his own suffering.

I move forward and place my arms around him. It's awkward, and I have no idea what I'm doing. But he leans into me, clutches the front of my uniform, and sobs into my shoulder. I tighten my grip and cry with him.

Because he's sixteen, and he's seen so many things that no one should ever have to see, and it hurts him so badly.

But God, I can't do anything to help him, and it hurts just as much.

---

"What do you want to do when this is all over?" He asks me.

He's smiling serenely, almost absently, staring at the burning sunset.

"I don't know," I answer, because I don't.

He's grown so much, become so much more mature. He doesn't cry anymore.

But he's still Kira, and Kira is sad, Kira is scared, and Kira just wishes for peace and hates fighting above all things.

"Oh? Surely there's something you've been planning," he persists.

"I guess...I just want to live a peaceful life," I answer, grasping around.

"That sounds nice," he says, turning to me. Then he chuckles. "Though look how much luck you've had with that so far."

And he smiles. It's soft, it's small, but it's a real smile.

"What about you?" I ask in return. "What do you want to do?"

"I guess, I want to spend time with everyone. You know, reconnect with the people I've lost contact with."

He turns back to the sunset, and that small smile widens. I can't help but smile with him.

---

That night, just as I'm about to drift off to sleep, I hear rustling from above me, then the soft padding of feet on the ladder, before Kira opens the curtain around my bed, slips in, and shuts it again.

"Kira, what...?"

He sends me a hushing motion, then settles into the bed, lying close to me.

It takes me a few moments to remember how to breathe.

Then, through the darkness I hear his voice, soft and reverent. "You're the first person on my list."

It takes me slightly longer to remember what he's talking about. Then I do, and I have to remember how to breathe all over again.

---

We're in the changing room, unzipping our battle-wear, pulling gloves off, likewise with boots.

As I'm pulling my tunic on, Kira approaches me. He's conflicted, he's sad, and he's weary, but he somehow manages to smile.

"Athrun..." he says, and there's a hesitant quality in his voice that I know; he's about to do something.

"I'm glad you're okay." Then he puts a hand on my shoulder and leans forward, catching the side of my mouth with his lips.

He pats my shoulder, twice, gives me a warm smile (but I catch the hesitancy, the fear), and leaves me standing in the middle of the room, gaping like a fish out of water.

I'm trying to comprehend what just happened, what _Kira_, of all people, had just done, when--

"Wait!"

Kira pauses at the doorway, sending a curious look back at me over his shoulder.

"I--" My throat has constricted again, and I can't seem to get the words out. "I--"

Somehow I know that if I just let it go, if I let Kira leave, I may never get another chance.

"Oh, to hell with it!" Abandoning my feeble attempts at speech, I cross the room, take Kira's head in my hands, and kiss him.

For a moment there's the horrifying thought that maybe I did the wrong thing, maybe that's not what Kira was implying at all, but then Kira laughs against me and kisses me back.

And he's crying.

---

Our lives are far from perfect. We've never had the delusion that they ever could be anything but.

We've fought, we've lost, and we've loved, but above all we've survived.

And when Kira looks at me, really _looks_ at me, and smiles that small smile of his, twining his delicate fingers with mine, I can't help but think that maybe we do have a chance of a happily ever after.

---

That last sentence made me want to barf from the cheesiness.

Constructive criticism is very much welcome (and needed), and I do apologize if I've made you want to burn your eyes out!

Also, there_ was_ a timeskip in there, if you didn't notice. It goes from C.E. 71 to C.E. 73 when it mentions that Kira doesn't cry anymore, because I noticed that he cried a heckuva lot less in Destiny.


End file.
